Navigating Family Roles After Becoming a Parent: How to Balance Old and New Relationships
By Marianna Babiolakis, AMFT #134136, PMH-C
Supervised by Dani Salzer, LMFT #102811
Serving Campbell, San Jose, and clients throughout California via telehealth
Becoming a parent changes everything - including how you relate to your family of origin.
You might feel more connected to your own parents than ever before… or more distant. You might notice old family dynamics showing up again - or realize they never truly left. You may even find yourself saying things you swore you'd never say as a parent.
This tension is normal. And one way to make sense of it is through the metaphor of a boat.
Your Family of Origin Is a Boat
Imagine your family of origin - the one you grew up in - as a boat. Every person had a role, a place to stand, a job that helped keep the boat afloat.
Some people steered. Some bailed water. Some kept the peace. Others may have always been falling overboard or getting blamed when the boat rocked.
These roles became second nature over time, even if they weren’t always healthy. They helped keep the system balanced.
But eventually, something changes.
Someone new is added to the boat - through marriage, birth, or partnership.
Or someone is lost - through divorce, estrangement, or death.
Suddenly the boat tilts. Everyone scrambles to find a new position. It’s uncomfortable. It’s messy. But it’s also necessary.
Now You’re Building a New Boat
When you become a parent, you’re not just joining someone else’s boat. You and your partner are building your own.
This new family – this new boat – needs its own balance, rhythm, and rules. You and your partner become the captains, deciding what kind of journey you want this next chapter to be.
But here’s where it gets complicated:
Your original boat may not want you to drift too far.
Old roles and expectations might still tug at you.
You may feel pulled between staying loyal to the boat you came from and fully stepping into the one you’re building.
The Shuffling Is Normal - and Healthy
As your roles shift, so does the balance of every boat connected to you. That might mean:
Setting new boundaries with your parents or in-laws.
Realizing that your role in your family of origin no longer fits.
Grieving the loss of closeness or familiar dynamics.
Having uncomfortable conversations to reset expectations.
This is all part of the reshuffling process. It may feel like instability - but it’s actually a sign that you’re finding a new, healthier equilibrium.
What You Take With You Matters
While you may be breaking cycles or setting boundaries, you’re also allowed to bring good things from your old boat into your new one.
Think about:
The family dinners you loved growing up.
The inside jokes, the Sunday routines, the sense of belonging.
The way your parent always showed up, or made holidays feel magical.
The values, traditions, or emotional strengths that shaped you in positive ways.
You get to choose with intention – to carry forward what supports you and release what no longer fits.
That’s the beauty of building your own boat.
You’re Allowed to Change Roles
Just because you were the “fixer,” the “quiet one,” or the one who never rocked the boat - doesn’t mean that’s who you have to be now.
Parenthood gives you a powerful opportunity:
To rewrite the script.
To reclaim your identity.
To create something new for yourself and your children.
Feeling caught between boats?
Therapy can help you:
Explore the roles you played growing up - and how they’re showing up now.
Set boundaries with compassion and clarity.
Bring forward the good while healing the rest.
Build a family system that feels grounded, connected, and yours.
I specialize in therapy for moms navigating identity shifts, family boundaries, and postpartum transitions. I’m based in Campbell, CA and work with clients across California. If you’d like more support, you can schedule a free consultation here.
