How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Cycles After Kids
By Marianna Babiolakis, AMFT #134136, PMH-C
Supervised by Dani Salzer, LMFT #102811
Serving Campbell, San Jose, and clients throughout California via telehealth
Becoming parents changes everything - including your relationship.
Before kids, you may have had more time and space to connect, talk things through, and even be playful. But once parenthood enters the picture - sleepless nights, toddler meltdowns, daycare pickups, and a never-ending to-do list - it’s easy for even the strongest relationships to slip into survival mode.
And in survival mode, many couples fall into automatic patterns that aren’t always helpful - or healthy.
The Rain Cycle in Relationships
Over time, these patterns become predictable.
Maybe one of you shuts down when things get tense while the other gets louder. Maybe every disagreement turns into a loop of defensiveness, blame, or silence. And when the same fights keep happening, you both start to expect it.
It’s like bad weather you can’t escape.
You start showing up to each conversation prepared for the worst - emotionally armored and bracing for the storm. Raincoat on. Umbrella up. Rain boots laced.
But as long as both people stay in rain gear, there’s no room for the sun to break through.
Breaking the Cycle Means Taking a Risk
Here’s the truth: to change the pattern, one or both of you need to be willing to step outside without the umbrella.
Yes, you might get wet.
Your partner might still react the old way.
It might still rain sometimes.
But change can happen when one or both partners make the decision to respond differently - to take a risk on connection instead of protection.
And with time, those small risks add up. They create space for new patterns.
Important Note: This Is Not About Tolerating Harm
Of course, this doesn’t mean tolerating hurt indefinitely or becoming emotionally unsafe.
If your relationship involves emotional abuse, manipulation, or consistent patterns that leave you feeling fearful or unsafe, stepping out without your "rain gear" is not the solution - it’s a risk to your well-being. Emotional safety must come first.
Even in relationships where both partners are doing their best, this kind of change works best when both people are committed to doing the work. One person can initiate the shift, but long-term change depends on mutual effort, accountability, and care.
Why This Matters - Especially As Parents
Breaking these cycles isn’t just about your relationship - it’s about what your children see and learn.
Our kids are always watching:
How we talk to each other.
How we repair after conflict.
Whether love feels safe, respectful, and real.
When you begin to change how you and your partner relate, you're not just healing the present - you’re changing what your children will expect from their future relationships, too.
That’s powerful generational work.
Start Small. Step Outside.
So if you’re feeling stuck - tired of repeating the same argument in different words - try this:
Leave the umbrella behind.
Say one thing differently.
Pause. Stay open. See what happens.
The weather might not change overnight. But it will never shift if you keep showing up in storm gear.
It starts with one step into the rain.
Looking for support as you navigate parenting and partnership?
Looking for therapy for couples after baby? I work with parents in the Bay Area and across California to reconnect, repair, and strengthen their relationships. Contact me here to get started.
